This course draws on many teachings from a wide range of sources in order to offer a pathway of learning and growth that will lead to a more fulfilling life.
We draw on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs to help form the basic structure of this course. Maslow’s Hierarchy (also known as his Pyramid) describes needs shared by everyone from physiological needs for survival to self-actualizing needs for self-expression and manifesting a sense of purpose.
The course is presented in four sections that progressively address needs at each level and provide teachings, tools and exercises that help deepen participants understanding of themselves and how they can transform themselves to meet these needs. Each section is a gateway to deeper learning and growth.
Gateway
Name
Purpose
Maslow Level
Key Skills
#1
Waking Up
Develop deeper self-awareness
Safety and Survival
Mindfulness
#2
Cleaning Up
Develop deeper self-acceptance
Community and Connection
Social Skills
#3
Standing Up
Develop healthy self-esteem
Self-Esteem
Emotional Maturity
#4
Showing Up
Manifest self-actualization
Self-Actualization
Background
In 1943, Abraham Maslow introduced a way of seeing humanity. He was interested in what motivated people and described the essential needs that all people share, the most important of which was the need to survive, to be able to breathe, eat, sleep and simply exist. As I write this in mid-March, 2022, millions of people in Ukraine are simply trying to survive the onslaught of the Russian army. Some are trapped in the city of Mariupol in south eastern Ukraine, surrounded by Russian artillery that has pounded their city into rubble. They have no food, no water, electricity and are desperate to simply survive.
Millions of their countrymen are displaced from their homes and moving westward through Ukraine into the neighboring countries of Poland, Hungary and Slovakia. They have lost their homes and their livelihoods but at least they are being offered food and shelter along their way. They feel the chaos in their lives and are desperately seeking safety… a stable place to live, work and get on with their lives.
These two groups of people are existing in the first two levels of Maslow’s Pyramid, the Survival and Safety levels. Once they find a stable place to live, they will restart their lives, reach out to family, friends and fellow countrymen as the connect and build their own community, manifesting what Maslow described in his third level of needs: Connection.
Over time, many will heal the wounds of war and find a meaningful life in a new home. They will seek and find a sense of meaning that will arise from the work he does and the relationships they will build. Maslow described this group as seeking Self-Esteem.
In the Ukrainian war there have been many heroes, but a single person who was a comedian who mocked the president of Ukraine and then became president himself. Volodymyr Zelenskyy has become a world-wide hero as he has defied Russia’s Putin and organized a resistance that is irritating Putin more than Luke Skywalker pissed off his father, Darth Vader. Zelenskyy found something within himself that has inspired him to become to become a modern day David to Putin’s Goliath. Zelenskyy has found Self-Actualization, the top level of Maslow’s Pyramid.
This course is about navigating the road-blocks and rubble of your life and helping you along the path to self-actualization.
Next Offering & Cost
The next offering of The Four Gateways will begin on Wednesday, June 29, 2022 at 6:30 PM Pacific Time. We will meet at the same time every two weeks for a total of ten meetings.
The course costs $750 USD if paid in full before the course begins. If you want to spread the payments over time, you can pay $200 to register and $200 at the beginning of June, July and August for a total of $800.
The enrollment in this offering is capped at 10 participants.
This post is the fourth in a series. If you haven’t read “Waking Up” and “Growing Up – The Descent” and “Growing Up – The Return“, you could to back and read them,, or you could dive in here. This post lays out a large collection of skills, tools and behaviors you can easily incorporate into your life. You might even bookmark this page because there is so much here to chew on.
Each tool is liked to another post that describes the tool, skill or practice in more detail.
Beginner’s mind is a new way to experience learning. It invites you to pretend that you know nothing about the topic and open yourself to the possibility that by doing so, you can learn more deeply.
Use every means available to know yourself more deeply, to know your beliefs, your shadows and defenses. Take assessments, sit in circle with others, get counseling or coaching, journal and look deeply into the mirror of who you are.
Be Curious About Everything
Curiosity alone is the antidote to tightly held beliefs, and curiosity will make you want to know the other person more deeply.
Hold Your Beliefs Lightly
Remember that your beliefs may or may not be true. If your beliefs are different from the other’s, that difference alone is a barrier to connection.
Surround yourself with conscious people
Invite in people who inspire you. Form a support network of people who can help you learn and grow You may may need to create space in your life by letting go of people who hold you back. If you notice that some of your long term friends no longer interest you, don't put much energy into nurturing those relationships. Instead, put your energy into finding and making connections with the people who inspire you.
Avoid Spiritual Bypassing
Don’t hide from or avoid the pain of waking up by taking a spiritual bypass. It doesn’t work and it’s a waste of precious time and energy.
Take Self-Assessments
Knowing yourself can be accelerated by taking self-assessments. Some of the more common ones are:
Myers-Briggs Type Assessment (MBTI)
Enneagram
DISC
Perhaps the best I have found so far is the CORE Map
What's your love language?
Do you know how you recognize being loved? Which do you appreciate most:
Form is just the wrapping paper. Substance is the gift hidden beneath the wrapping. Focus not on the wrapping, but on the gift, no matter what its form.
Meditate Daily
Adopt a practice of daily meditation. Don’t expect quick results. It can be very frustrating, and at times you may feel like giving up; but just stick with it.
Leave Your Comfort Zone
Stretch your comfort zone and learn to explore the learning zone. It's much more interesting and fun.
Own Your Triggers
If you are triggered by someone else, it’s typically your projection of some wound you took on as a child. Look deeply into your past to discover what belief about yourself that doesn’t serve you is still driving you. Own it and clean it up.
Let go of the person you SHOULD be!
If you are holding onto any beliefs about the person you should be, let them go. Do this by journaling about the mythical person and what that person should be like. Be very detailed. Fill at least one page. When you have completed this, read it out loud and listen carefully to how realistic this belief set is. Do you really want to set yourself up for the absurd? Are you trying to be something that isn't you? You may even read it to several people close to you to get their reactions.
When you are ready to let go of this version of yourself that is in no way the real you, you may (carefully and with appropriate ritual) set it on fire and let it burn. Dispose of he ashes in a good way.
Make an inventory of your limiting beliefs
In your journal, make a list of the limiting beliefs you hold. This may be difficult to complete, so spread this over time.
Start each belief on a separate line. Begin each belief with the words, "I believe I am..."
Fore each belief, ask yourself, "What belief is under this belief?" Say to yourself, "Go deeper"
When you have a relatively complete list, it will be time to let them go. Your coach will know how to help you do this.
Drop Your Defenses
Develop awareness of your defenses and what triggers them. Learn to drop them if and when you want to connect. Defenses are often boundaries that have been set unconsciously.
Does your live language cause clashes with your partner?
Did you take the Love Languages assessment? If you are in relationship. did your partner take the same assessment? Do your love languages match or differ from your partners? How have any differences impacted your relationship?
No blaming - take responsibility for your choices and their consequences.
Invite Your Shadows to Tea
You can’t kill your shadows, but you can integrate them by inviting them into the light.
Remember, it is highly likely that those around you can see the shadows you don’t see.
Become the Person You Want To Be
Are you the person you want to be right now? If not, what is stopping you?
Start the next moment NOW by visualizing the person you want to become. Journal about this person. Draw pictures if his or her life. Be specific. What are you doing? Who supports you in this process? What are you working to accomplish?
Learn to laugh at yourself
Can you laugh at your own mistakes? Although some mistakes may have serious consequences, most mistakes are little ones and don't merit critical self-judgment. When you make such a mistake, find the humor in it and have fun with it. Then ask yourself what you learned from making that mistake.
Every mistake is a learning opportunity.
Notice Your Inner Process
Notice what is going on inside you. Are you triggered? Are you on the Victim Triangle? Are you listening deeply?
Noticing is the essential key that opens the lock of self-awareness.
Be Appropriately Vulnerable
Vulnerability is a powerful sword with two sharp edges. It can cut through defenses like a warm knife through butter, or it can cut your arm off and destroy the budding relationship by providing too much information too quickly.
Express your love in the language your partner recognizes
If you are in a committed relationship (or want to be in one), consider expressing your love for your partner in a language she or he recognizes. If you need physical touch, how does this land on your partner? And conversely, if your partner doesn't express love in one of your primary love languages, how does this impact your relationship? And more importantly, what adjustments can you both make to get more of what you want?
Park your judgments
A judgment is a discernment plus a trigger. In other words, it's what you see plus whatever shadow belief is coloring your discernment. If you are triggered, you are probably projecting and making the other the target of your projection. This is a guaranteed connection buster. Instead, if judgment comes up, simply notice it and park it.
If you want to kill connection quickly, share your judgments.
Take Responsibility
Realize that you are able to choose how you respond to any situation, then choose wisely.
Seek Beginner’s Mind
Beginner’s mind is a new way to experience learning.
Be Curious About Everything
Curiosity alone is the antidote to tightly held beliefs, and curiosity will make you want to know the other person more deeply.
Hold Your Beliefs Lightly
Remember that your beliefs may or may not be true. If your beliefs are different from the other’s, that difference alone is a barrier to connection.
Meditate Daily
Adopt a practice of daily meditation. Don’t expect quick results. It can be very frustrating, and at times you may feel like giving up; but just stick with it.
Avoid Spiritual Bypassing
Don’t hide from or avoid the pain of waking up by taking a spiritual bypass. It doesn’t work and it’s a waste of precious time and energy.
Seek Out Conscious People
Want to become more conscious? Just spend more time around conscious people and let them rub off on you.
Know Thyself
Use every means available to know yourself more deeply, to know your beliefs, your shadows and defenses. Take assessments, sit in circle with others, get counseling or coaching, journal and look deeply into the mirror of who you are.
Be Appropriately Vulnerable
Vulnerability is a powerful sword with two sharp edges. It can cut through defenses like a warm knife through butter, or it can cut your arm off and destroy the budding relationship by providing too much information too quickly.
Invite Your Shadows to Tea
You can’t kill your shadows, but you can integrate them by inviting them into the light. Remember, it is highly likely that those around you can see the shadows you don’t see.
Listen Deeply
Listening deeply is “witnessing” the other and seeing the other without judgment. This is truly a form of blessing and contributes to authentic connection.
Notice Your Inner Process
Notice what is going on inside you. Are you triggered? Are you on the Victim Triangle? Are you listening deeply? Noticing is the essential key that opens the lock of self-awareness.
Pay Attention to Intention
This advice is especially important for extroverts who need to be seen. Before you open your mouth, ask yourself, “What is my intention?” Do a quick body scan and see if there is a signal in your body that correlates with needing attention. If that signal is present, probably better to zip your lip.
Develop the habit of monitoring your intention in every interaction you have. This is actually a form of listening… to yourself.
Interrupt Harmful Patterns
Develop a habit of using the Pattern Interrupt.
Get off the Victim Triangle
No blaming – take responsibility for your choices and their consequences.
Own Your Triggers
If you are triggered by someone else, it’s typically your projection of some wound you took on as a child. Look deeply into your past to discover what belief about yourself that doesn’t serve you is still driving you. Own it and clean it up.
Drop Your Defenses
Develop awareness of your defenses and what triggers them. Learn to drop them if and when you want to connect. Defenses are often boundaries that have been set unconsciously.
Accept Yourself As You Are
This is required for others to truly accept you as you are. It’s called self-compassion and it may be your hardest challenge.
Focus on Substance instead of Form
Form is just the wrapping paper. Substance is the gift hidden beneath the wrapping. Focus not on the wrapping, but on the gift, no matter what its form.
Set Appropriate Boundaries
Don’t take in what doesn’t fit. It’s up to you what judgments of others you accept.
Invite Your Shadows to Tea
You can’t kill your shadows, but you can integrate them by inviting them into the light. Remember, it is highly likely that those around you can see the shadows you don’t see.
Listen Deeply
Listening deeply is “witnessing” the other and seeing the other without judgment. This is truly a form of blessing and contributes to authentic connection.
Notice Your Inner Process
Notice what is going on inside you. Are you triggered? Are you on the Victim Triangle? Are you listening deeply? Noticing is the essential key that opens the lock of self-awareness.
Pay Attention to Intention
This advice is especially important for extroverts who need to be seen. Before you open your mouth, ask yourself, “What is my intention?” Do a quick body scan and see if there is a signal in your body that correlates with needing attention. If that signal is present, probably better to zip your lip.
Develop the habit of monitoring your intention in every interaction you have. This is actually a form of listening… to yourself.
Interrupt Harmful Patterns
Develop a habit of using the Pattern Interrupt.
Get off the Victim Triangle
No blaming – take responsibility for your choices and their consequences.
Own Your Triggers
If you are triggered by someone else, it’s typically your projection of some wound you took on as a child. Look deeply into your past to discover what belief about yourself that doesn’t serve you is still driving you. Own it and clean it up.
Drop Your Defenses
Develop awareness of your defenses and what triggers them. Learn to drop them if and when you want to connect. Defenses are often boundaries that have been set unconsciously.
Accept Yourself As You Are
This is required for others to truly accept you as you are. It’s called self-compassion and it may be your hardest challenge.
Focus on Substance instead of Form
Form is just the wrapping paper. Substance is the gift hidden beneath the wrapping. Focus not on the wrapping, but on the gift, no matter what its form.
Set Appropriate Boundaries
Don’t take in what doesn’t fit. It’s up to you what judgments of others you accept.
Express Gratitude
Expressing gratitude builds deeper connection with yourself and with others.
Practice Oops, Ouch, Wow!
Take ownership of your mistakes (Oops). Be vulnerable and let someone know they have touched a tender spot (Ouch) and be free with your compliments (Wow!) when someone does something that demonstrates deep connection skills.
Fail Early & Often
Failure is an excellent teacher. Learn to welcome and embrace its lessons.
Don’t Take Anything Personally
This is one of “The Four Agreements” by don Miguel Ruiz. “When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”
Seek Beginner’s Mind
Beginner’s mind is a new way to experience learning.
Be Curious About Everything
Curiosity alone is the antidote to tightly held beliefs, and curiosity will make you want to know the other person more deeply.
Hold Your Beliefs Lightly
Remember that your beliefs may or may not be true. If your beliefs are different from the other’s, that difference alone is a barrier to connection.
Meditate Daily
Adopt a practice of daily meditation. Don’t expect quick results. It can be very frustrating, and at times you may feel like giving up; but just stick with it.
Avoid Spiritual Bypassing
Don’t hide from or avoid the pain of waking up by taking a spiritual bypass. It doesn’t work and it’s a waste of precious time and energy.
Seek Out Conscious People
Want to become more conscious? Just spend more time around conscious people and let them rub off on you.
Know Thyself
Use every means available to know yourself more deeply, to recognize your beliefs and your shadows and defenses. Take assessments, sit in circle with others, journal, look deeply into the mirror of who you are.
Step out of Your Comfort Zone
Stretch your comfort zone and live in the learning zone. It’s much more fun!
Take Responsibility
Realize that you are able to choose how to respond to any situation, then choose wisely.
Use I-Statements
Use I-statements as a new way of taking responsibility.
Let Go of Needing to be Liked
You don’t have to impress anybody, and it doesn’t work anyhow. Just be yourself. Everybody else is taken.
Express Your Feelings
Own what you feel and speak your feelings appropriately. You can express anger without attacking, sadness without embarrassment, guilt without shame.
Park Your Judgments
A judgment is a discernment plus a trigger. In other words, it’s what you see plus what shadow belief is coloring your discernment. If you are triggered, you are probably projecting, making the other the target of your projection. This is a guaranteed connection buster. If a judgment comes up, simply notice it and park it. If you want to kill connection quickly, just share your judgments.
Be Appropriately Vulnerable
Vulnerability is a powerful sword with two sharp edges. It can cut through defenses like a warm knife through butter, or it can cut your arm off and destroy the budding relationship by providing too much information too quickly.
Invite Your Shadows to Tea
You can’t kill your shadows, but you can integrate them by inviting them into the light. Remember, it is highly likely that those around you can see the shadows you don’t see.
Listen Deeply
Listening deeply is “witnessing” the other and seeing the other without judgment. This is truly a form of blessing and contributes to authentic connection.
Notice Your Inner Process
Notice what is going on inside you. Are you triggered? Are you on the Victim Triangle? Are you listening deeply? Noticing is the essential key that opens the lock of self-awareness.
Pay Attention to Intention
This advice is especially important for extroverts who need to be seen. Before you open your mouth, ask yourself, “What is my intention?” Do a quick body scan and see if there is a signal in your body that correlates with needing attention. If that signal is present, probably better to zip your lip.
Develop the habit of monitoring your intention in every interaction you have. This is actually a form of listening… to yourself.
Interrupt Harmful Patterns
Develop a habit of using the Pattern Interrupt.
Get off the Victim Triangle
No blaming – take responsibility for your choices and their consequences.
Own Your Triggers
If you are triggered by someone else, it’s typically your projection of some wound you took on as a child. Look deeply into your past to discover what belief about yourself that doesn’t serve you is still driving you. Own it and clean it up.
Drop Your Defenses
Develop awareness of your defenses and what triggers them. Learn to drop them if and when you want to connect. Defenses are often boundaries that have been set unconsciously.
Accept Yourself As You Are
This is required for others to truly accept you as you are. It’s called self-compassion and it may be your hardest challenge.
Focus on Substance instead of Form
Form is just the wrapping paper. Substance is the gift hidden beneath the wrapping. Focus not on the wrapping, but on the gift, no matter what its form.
Set Appropriate Boundaries
Don’t take in what doesn’t fit. It’s up to you what judgments of others you accept.
Invite Your Shadows to Tea
You can’t kill your shadows, but you can integrate them by inviting them into the light. Remember, it is highly likely that those around you can see the shadows you don’t see.
Listen Deeply
Listening deeply is “witnessing” the other and seeing the other without judgment. This is truly a form of blessing and contributes to authentic connection.
Notice Your Inner Process
Notice what is going on inside you. Are you triggered? Are you on the Victim Triangle? Are you listening deeply? Noticing is the essential key that opens the lock of self-awareness.
Pay Attention to Intention
This advice is especially important for extroverts who need to be seen. Before you open your mouth, ask yourself, “What is my intention?” Do a quick body scan and see if there is a signal in your body that correlates with needing attention. If that signal is present, probably better to zip your lip.
Develop the habit of monitoring your intention in every interaction you have. This is actually a form of listening… to yourself.
Interrupt Harmful Patterns
Develop a habit of using the Pattern Interrupt.
Get off the Victim Triangle
No blaming – take responsibility for your choices and their consequences.
Own Your Triggers
If you are triggered by someone else, it’s typically your projection of some wound you took on as a child. Look deeply into your past to discover what belief about yourself that doesn’t serve you is still driving you. Own it and clean it up.
Drop Your Defenses
Develop awareness of your defenses and what triggers them. Learn to drop them if and when you want to connect. Defenses are often boundaries that have been set unconsciously.
Accept Yourself As You Are
This is required for others to truly accept you as you are. It’s called self-compassion and it may be your hardest challenge.
Focus on Substance instead of Form
Form is just the wrapping paper. Substance is the gift hidden beneath the wrapping. Focus not on the wrapping, but on the gift, no matter what its form.
Set Appropriate Boundaries
Don’t take in what doesn’t fit. It’s up to you what judgments of others you accept.
Express Gratitude
Expressing gratitude builds deeper connection with yourself and with others.
Practice Oops, Ouch, Wow!
Take ownership of your mistakes (Oops). Be vulnerable and let someone know they have touched a tender spot (Ouch) and be free with your compliments (Wow!) when someone does something that demonstrates deep connection skills.
Fail Early & Often
Failure is an excellent teacher. Learn to welcome and embrace its lessons.
Don’t Take Anything Personally
This is one of “The Four Agreements” by don Miguel Ruiz. “When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”
